So I had a bit of a mental breakdown yesterday...

As you know I've been obsessing mulling over my issues with Arwen lately and just feeling a bit down and out about the whole thing. After a week of so-so lessons where I felt my head was really stuffed full of new information about how I should be riding, I finally broke down in a pile of complete self pity and wallowing. I was leaving work and on my way to my lesson with Trainer (who was just back from the show), knowing she was going to ask me how lessons with M went. I was thinking "crap. What do I tell her?" I mean honestly, they were not bad. They could have been worse. I just felt like there was a lot of time when I froze up there because I was trying to ride and follow instructions and just go everythingatonce! Which then made Arwen refuse, or rush or whatever, and ended with me very frustrated.

I then started thinking about some comments M made about choosing horses for your level (I don't think she meant this in any mean way-she's a very tell it like it is person, and I know there is some truth to what she said. I think thats why it bothers me so much) and how its the trainers job to choose a horse the client can ride, with the horse's experience/abilities only slightly above that of the riders. It wasn't said, but it was implied that Arwen is pretty much way above my level. Which I don't necessarily disagree with. She is a very challenging ride, but is teaching me a lot. Trainer and I have had this discussion quite a bit about the fact that I could have bought a much easier ride and would probably be jumping around 3'+ courses easily. But what would that have really taught me? True, getting a horse like that is a very big confidence builder and I admit on a scale of one to ten, my confidence is about a 3 right now. I wanted a horse I could grow into, not one I would have to sell on in 2 years. Would I be having a lot more fun, instead of agonizing how much I suck right now if I had bought that easy ride? Probably. But the big part of riding is learning. Learning how to connect with your horse, and form that partnership and be a RIDER. At least for me it is. I mean I know plenty of people who would be happy to own that push button ride that isn't complicated and doesn't require much of a sense of feel or thought. But not me. There are certainly DAYS where I think "man, it would be so nice if Arwen stayed straight and balanced and on tempo without my help" but not all the time. It would be too easy if that were the case.

But...those are not the thoughts that were running through my head last night.  Last night, of course, I was thinking "crap, maybe M is right. I bought a horse way too advanced for me. Maybe I should sell her". As soon as that thought crossed my mind, I started tearing up. The more I thought about selling Arwen, the more the tears started rolling down my cheeks. The whole time I'm throwing this pity party for myself, I'm thinking how stupid I am for crying about it. But I just couldn't stop myself. I also figured heck, might as well get it out of my system now before I see trainer otherwise I might turn into another crying mess. So there I am, driving down the freeway, tears flowing, feeling sorry for myself. The only thing missing was some sad country music.

I finally get to the barn, little to no expectations for how the lesson is going to go. Trainer of course asks me how it went, and I tell her honestly how I feel. That I was a little overwhelmed, but everything that was said to me was true. And that M did try and help me, but she didn't give me a lot of room to work things out on my own (which is one thing I really love about my trainer). Also, I think I just wasn't in the right headspace to take the way M teaches due to already being a bit frazzled from the previous couple weeks of Arwen acting up. Trainer tells me "okay, lets just see how she does tonight and we'll go from there. Just ride her like you know how to ride her". And I did. And it goes great. Arwen was listening to me, wasn't trying to run away, and a couple times I actually got her too collected down the lines so we did some serious adds, and had one refusal where I rode her down to nothing.

I will say, there were some things that I really thought about that M drilled into me the last week. One was softening right at the fence. I did not do that. Another was I kept my shoulders back, leg on, auto release, like we practiced. So to say I didn't learn anything last week would be untrue. I mean I definitely had some great learning moments, but then also some lows where I felt like I couldn't ride. Either way, trainer had a good point when she told me "just take what you can from this. Even if its one thing, thats great. You learned something". And I definitely did. From here on out, hopefully its onwards and upwards.